Adoption and Identity: Who Am I When My Story Started Before Me?

Most people inherit their beginning as a story that's repeated to them.

“You have your mother's eyes.”

“You laugh just like your dad.”

“You get that from your grandmother.”

For an adoptee, some of those seemingly ordinary connections can be complicated.

Sometimes there's a blank space where the explanation should be.

And blank spaces create questions.

Who Do I Look Like?

It's such a simple question.

Until you don't know.

Physical resemblance is something many people barely notice because they've always had access to it.

For an adoptee, seeing someone who looks like you can carry a weight that's difficult to explain.

It isn't vanity.

It's recognition.

There is something powerful about seeing your features reflected back at you and understanding:

Oh. That's where that comes from.

But identity is bigger than appearance.

Nature, Nurture and Everything Between

Who are we because of biology?

Who are we because of how we were raised?

Who are we because of what we've experienced?

And who have we deliberately decided to become?

I've spent time thinking about all four.

My biological history matters.

My adoptive family matters.

My experiences matter.

And so do the choices I've made about the woman I want to become.

Identity isn't a single inheritance.

It's layered.

Belonging Can Become a Question Before You Have Words for It

Sometimes you don't consciously walk around asking:

“Do I belong?”

You just feel different.

You notice things.

You observe.

You adapt.

You learn rooms.

You learn people.

You learn where you fit.

And eventually you may realize you've spent a lot of your life becoming very good at adjusting.

That's where adoption and Make Being Yourself Cool Again® unexpectedly meet for me.

Because once you've spent enough time thinking about identity, there's an incredibly freeing question waiting for you:

Who am I when I'm not trying to belong?

That's powerful.

Your Roots Matter. But So Does What You Grow Into.

I've used the imagery of planting intentionally.

Roots matter.

They provide history.

They explain things.

Sometimes discovering them answers questions.

Sometimes discovering them creates new ones.

But a tree isn't only roots.

Eventually it grows upward.

Branches form.

Leaves appear.

New growth reaches places the roots never touched.

That's how I've come to understand identity.

I can honor where I came from without believing my beginning determines everything I can become.

Adoptees Deserve Space for Complexity

One reason I'm creating this series is because adoption conversations can become incredibly simplified.

People want to know:

Was adoption good or bad?

Are you grateful or angry?

Do you love your adoptive family or want your biological family?

But human beings aren't multiple-choice questions.

My experience can contain love, loss, curiosity, gratitude, confusion, faith, discovery and healing.

All at once.

That's not contradiction.

That's being human.

Becoming Yourself

Maybe identity isn't something we discover once.

Maybe it's something we continue uncovering.

That idea matters whether you're adopted or not.

At some point, every person has to decide which parts of their identity were handed to them and which parts they are choosing.

Family tells you something.

Culture tells you something.

Experience tells you something.

The world definitely tells you something.

But eventually you get a voice too.

And maybe that's one of the most beautiful parts of growing.

You don't have to erase your beginning.

You don't have to reject your roots.

You don't have to pretend the questions never existed.

You can carry all of it.

And still become you.

That's what being planted on purpose means to me.

KEEP BRANCHING

By Hadassah “Das” Collier

Founder, Das Effect LLC | Creator of Make Being Yourself Cool Again | Host of Das It & Planted on Purpose