Belonging: The Question Many Adoptees Carry Into Adulthood

There is a difference between being loved and feeling like you belong.

For many people, those two things naturally live together.

For some adoptees, they can become two separate questions.

I know I was loved.

I know I had a family.

And yet questions about identity and belonging can still exist alongside those truths.

That's something I think people sometimes have difficulty understanding about adoption.

They hear an adoptee talking about belonging and immediately interpret it as criticism of the family who raised them.

But those aren't necessarily the same conversation.

Sometimes the question isn't:

“Did anybody love me?”

Sometimes it's simply:

“Where do all the pieces of me fit?”

Adoption Doesn't End When Childhood Ends

When people picture adoption, they often picture children.

The baby being placed into someone's arms.

The child meeting a new family.

The adoption becoming official.

Those are significant moments.

But adopted children grow up.

We become teenagers.

Adults.

Parents.

Professionals.

Partners.

We build families of our own.

And the questions connected to adoption can grow with us.

Sometimes questions that didn't matter at eight become incredibly important at 28.

Or 38.

Or 48.

Understanding your identity can be an evolving process.

Belonging Can Be Complicated Even When You Had a Good Childhood

This deserves to be said clearly:

You don't need a terrible adoption story to have complicated feelings about adoption.

You don't need to hate your adoptive parents.

You don't need to regret your life.

You don't need some dramatic event that gives you permission to wonder about your biological history.

Curiosity doesn't equal betrayal.

Questions aren't accusations.

Wanting information about yourself isn't the same as rejecting the people who raised you.

Two things can be true.

Actually, many things can be true at once.

That's one of the biggest lessons adoption has taught me.

Sometimes Belonging Is About Recognition

There are experiences biological families can take for granted.

Someone says:

“You have your mother's eyes.”

“You walk exactly like your father.”

“Your grandmother used to do that too.”

Those little observations create continuity.

They connect one person's identity to generations of people who came before them.

When you're adopted, some of those connections can be unknown.

That's why seeing someone who resembles you for the first time can feel bigger than simply thinking:

Oh, we have the same nose.

It's recognition.

It's another piece of information.

It's an answer to something you may not have realized was a question.

Race Can Add Another Layer

For adoptees whose racial or cultural background differs from the family or environment in which they were raised, identity can carry additional layers.

How the world sees you may not always match the cultural experiences available inside your home.

Questions about heritage, race, community and belonging can become intertwined with adoption itself.

There isn't one universal adoptee experience here either.

That's why I believe first-person adoptee stories matter.

We don't all feel the same.

We shouldn't be expected to.

You Can Belong in More Than One Place

For a long time, I think belonging is presented as if we have to choose.

This family or that family.

This identity or that identity.

This place or that place.

But adulthood has taught me something different.

Maybe belonging isn't always about choosing one box.

Maybe we are allowed to hold multiple truths.

The family that raised you can matter.

Your biological family can matter.

Your cultural identity can matter.

The life you've built can matter.

Your questions can matter.

Your answers can matter.

And none of those things necessarily erase the others.

This Is Why I Call It Planted on Purpose

A tree doesn't apologize for having roots beneath the ground and branches reaching somewhere completely different.

Both are necessary.

Roots tell part of the story.

Branches tell another.

And the tree itself exists somewhere between them.

That's how I think about my story now.

I want to understand my roots.

But I also get to decide where I branch.

That is powerful.

The Connection to Make Being Yourself Cool Again

This is also where Planted on Purpose connects directly to Make Being Yourself Cool Again®.

How can you fully embrace being yourself if you have never been given space to ask:

Who am I?

For me, these aren't separate conversations.

Adoption.

Identity.

Belonging.

Authenticity.

Purpose.

They're branches of the same tree.

My adoption story helped create questions about identity.

Those questions helped create a deeper appreciation for authenticity.

And authenticity became something I wanted other people to feel free to embrace too.

Maybe that's the unexpected gift inside some of our hardest questions.

Sometimes the thing that made you question where you belonged eventually teaches you how important it is to create spaces where other people don't have to question whether they're allowed to be themselves.

To the Adult Adoptee Still Asking

Maybe you've found every answer.

Maybe you've found none.

Maybe you're searching.

Maybe you have no desire to search.

Maybe your adoption is something you think about every day.

Maybe you barely think about it at all.

There isn't one correct way to be adopted.

Your relationship with your story belongs to you.

But if belonging has ever been one of your questions, I want you to know you're not strange for asking it.

Sometimes questions aren't evidence that something is wrong.

Sometimes they're invitations.

To understand.

To explore.

To heal.

To grow.

To branch.

And maybe eventually to realize that belonging isn't only about finding the place where someone else says you fit.

Sometimes belonging begins when you stop asking permission to take up space.

KEEP BRANCHING

What does belonging mean to you and has that definition changed as you've gotten older?